Script

SIX ANGRY NEIGHBOURS

EXT. BRIAN’S FRONT PORCH – A LATE AFTERNOON IN SEPTEMBER

BRIAN, a nondescript middle-aged man with grey hair, sits with ELOISE, a plain young woman, on simple lawn chairs on an otherwise empty porch.

 

BRIAN

That’s all very interesting Eloise, but I’ve got to get to Danny’s place or I’ll miss kickoff.

 

ELOISE

(teasingly as she stands up and stretches)

That’s all you have to say? You know, you’ll be able to see my gardens from your front door, so if you have opinions about my plans, speak now or forever hold your peace!

 

BRIAN and ELOISE put on their shoes, walk outside, and start down the sidewalk together.

 

BRIAN

Louey, nothing could be worse than this summer when you decorated the front of your house with a wasp nest.

 

ELOISE

It was still more decorations than you have in your whole house. And they liked you, they only ever stung me.

 

The next house had a junky front yard. TYLER, a scrawny young redneck, comes out.

 

TYLER

Hey Brian! Hiya Eloise!

 

BRIAN and ELOISE stop on the sidewalk.

 

BRIAN

Hi Tyler. How are you doing? How’s Briella?

 

TYLER

Yeah, sure, good. Briella? She’s out with her friend Katelyn or Carly or Catherine.  One of those anyway. Listen, could I grab you for a minute Brian? I’m trying to fix the sump pump before Briella gets home and I just need an extra set of hands.

 

BRIAN

(checks watch)

I’d love to help Tyler, but Danny’s expecting me…you know what, Eloise isn’t doing anything important, she can help.

 

ELOISE

(rolling her eyes)

Sure Brian, you have fun with Danny. Tyler and I will get the work done.

 

TYLER

(uncertainly)

Uh, yeah, sure, Eloise will do.

 

 

INT. TYLER’S HOUSE – LATER ON

 

ELOISE and TYLER come up Tyler’s basement stairs. His house is nicely finished but messy.

 

TYLER

(condescendingly)

So you see Eloise, that’s how a sump pump works.

 

ELOISE

(dryly)

Right, thanks. I have one in my house too, you know.

 

TYLER

Of course you do. Hey, I have a few things that got left in the washing machine when you used it last week.

 

TYLER grabs a bag from the counter and tosses it to ELOISE.

  

ELOISE

(looks in the bag)

Aha, there’s my underwear. Thanks Tyler, I got the thingy fixed. I would have asked Brian to use his, but he was out of town for work.

 

TYLER

I’m surprised you don’t have a key for his house.

 

ELOISE

(shrugs)

Why would I, we’re just neighbours, right? Anyway, I’ll head out the back, I need to do some watering.

 

ELOISE goes out the back door and walks across the lawn towards her house. BRIELLA, an attractive and fashionably dressed young woman, comes around the side of the house and watches Eloise leaving suspiciously, while Eloise is oblivious.

 

 

INT. DANNY’S LIVING ROOM – LATER ON

 

BRIAN and DANNY, a working class middle-aged man, are drinking beers on the couch with a football game on the TV. The room has older furniture, family pictures, an array of knick knacks.

 

BRIAN

Taking the boat out this weekend?

 

DANNY

Nah, Christina’s home all weekend. So probably just going to yard sales and telling Christina we can’t afford any more goddam knickknacks.

 

DANNY winks at BRIAN.

 

BRIAN

Good for you, just don’t bring any more stuff to my house, alright?

 

The front door slams, DANNY shushes BRIAN. CHRISTINA, a middle-aged woman with dyed blonde hair and full makeup, enters looking glum.

DANNY

Hey honey, how was line dancing?

 

CHRISTINA

Oh, fine. Went out with the girls to the mall afterwards.

(Wistfully)

They had the nicest dresses at Marlene’s.

(Glumly toying with her scarf)

I got this scarf, it was fifty percent off.

 

DANNY

Wow, another new scarf Christina?  That’s pretty nice.

 

BRIAN gives DANNY a dirty look. Danny watches as CHRISTINA shuffles towards a door leading off the hall, hiding a bag behind her back.

CHRISTINA

Anyway –

 

DANNY

(interrupting)

What’s in the bag?

 

CHRISTINA

(guiltily)

Oh, this? Just a few things I picked up for the house. Anyway, I’m off for a bath. Enjoy your Buffalo Billies’ game.

 

CHRISTINA leaves quickly. BRIAN watches DANNY while Danny stares intently at the TV.

 

BRIAN

Are you ever going to - ?

 

DANNY

(interrupting)

No.

 

 

EXT. A SUBURBAN STREET NEAR BRIAN AND ELOISE’S HOUSES – THE NEXT DAY

 

BRIAN and ELOISE are walking along the sidewalk in conversation.

 

ELOISE

So the Bills lost a game already, eh?

 

BRIAN

It was terrible. Danny almost cried. How was Tyler’s sump pump?

 

ELOISE

(sarcastically)

Oh, you mean plumbing expert Tyler Biderman? Would you like a detailed explanation of sump pump mechanics? Because I can give it to you now.

 

BRIAN laughs and puts an arm around ELOISE’S shoulders.

 

BRIAN

Poor Eloise. And to think, I left you behind to watch the Bills lose.

 

ELOISE

Since I dealt with Tyler, the next time Briella wants an opinion on her lash extensions or booty shorts I’ll call you.

 

BRIAN pulls away from ELOISE in horror.

 

BRIAN

Oh god no. I’d rather advise you on your gardens.

 

BRIAN and ELOISE approach Tyler’s house, where TYLER, BRIELLA, DANNY, and CHRISTINA are all standing on Tyler’s front lawn in adversarial poses.

 

BRIAN

What’s going on here?

 

CHRISTINA

(irritated)

Haven’t you HEARD?

 

BRIAN looks at DANNY for an explanation.

 

TYLER

Goddam Christina, you’re such drama queen. Think you’re still in high school or something? Grow up and get out of other people’s business.

 

BRIAN

Right, but what’s going on?

 

DANNY

We asked Tyler nicely to stop using power tools in his backyard in the middle of the night, but apparently he’s too special to accommodate others –

 

BRIELLA

(interrupting)

Hey, you can’t call him special! I know what that really means!

 

CHRISTINA

Oh, you do?  Congratulations, that’s one more word than I thought you knew!

 

BRIAN

(diplomatically)

Okay, can everyone just calm down?  Listen Tyler, your woodworking or metallurgy or deep-sea welding or whatever the hell it is you’re doing is annoying, can you finish by ten or something?

 

TYLER

Yeah Brian, like you’d know anything about doing real work, MANLY work. No wonder you’re…however the hell old you are and still haven’t managed to get yourself a wife.

 

CHRISTINA

Nah, we all know the real reason Brian hasn’t married is –

 

BRIAN

(interrupting frantically)

Shut up, Christina!

 

ELOISE

(taken aback)

Brian!

 

BRIAN

‘Cause you’re so manly, Tyler, you get Eloise to come over and –

 

TYLER

(interrupting in a panic)

Shut up, Brian!

 

BRIELLA

(tragically)

Oh, don’t worry, I know all about what you and Eloise were doing!

 

TYLER

(aghast)

You do?

 

DANNY

(impatiently)

Listen, I don’t want to know what Tyler and Eloise were doing and I’m also not interested in Brian’s love life. What I want is some peace and quiet in this neighbourhood for once.

 

BRIELLA

Oh, because you don’t disrupt the peace when you drive up and down the street in your stupid sports car?

 

DANNY

I…don’t…you’re probably thinking of Christina’s Escalade…

 

CHRISTINA

Danny doesn’t have a sports car, what are you on about, girl?

 

BRIELLA

So I guess my husband isn’t the only one cheating.

 

 

DANNY AND TYLER

WHAT?

 

ELOISE

Wait, do you seriously think Tyler’s cheating on you with me?

 

DANNY

Yeah, no offence Eloise, but it does sound pretty hard to believe.

 

BRIAN

(offended)

Excuse me? You think Briella is better than Eloise? What’s the matter with you, Danny?

 

ELOISE

It doesn’t matter Brian, I don’t care.

 

BRIELLA

Quite frankly, I know I’m better. I can certainly do a lot better than Tyler and Brian.

 

ELOISE

Better than who?

 

TYLER

What do you mean better than me?  Briella, what the hell is going on?

 

CHRISTINA

Nothing that’s going to make this street quieter, that’s for sure.

 

BRIELLA

Fine Tyler, if you really want to have it our here in front of everyone, then let’s do it. I saw you and Eloise sneaking around, I found her clothes, I know what’s going on. And let me tell you, you’re not the only one who can sneak around. I didn’t want to, but after what I’d seen yesterday I went to Julian’s last night.

  

TYLER

(exasperated)

I don’t know who the hell Julian is.

 

BRIELLA

I dated Julian for three years! You never even listen to me! But at least I have better options. You know Julian has a real job, and a house he didn’t need his daddy’s money to buy.

 

TYLER

If his house is so good, then you and your twenty-seven pairs of shoes can go live in it!

 

BRIELLA

(tearfully)

Maybe if you had have complimented my shoes just once I wouldn’t have had to buy twenty-seven.

 

BRIELLA runs into her house. TYLER starts to follow.

 

DANNY

Hey man, we’re not finished here.

 

TYLER stops and turns back.

 

TYLER

(incredulously)

Are you kidding me? After all of that?

 

CHRISTINA

I’m sorry about Briella, but don’t worry, we know you weren’t cheating with Eloise. After all, Eloise is in love with –

 

ELOISE

Hey! Can we focus on the issue at hand here? Whatever it was?

 

CHRISTINA

I’d just like to point out that twenty-seven shoes really aren’t that much, when you consider four different seasons, different occasions…

DANNY

You don’t need more shoes, Christina!

 

TYLER

Says the guy with a boat.

 

CHRISTINA

Sports car? Boat? I thought you went out on Brian’s boat.

 

BRIAN

I don’t have a boat.

 

ELOISE

Why is there a boat in your garage then?

 

BRIAN

It’s, uh, a friend’s boat.

 

TYLER

(laughing)

Is the friend named Danny?

 

BRIAN looks at DANNY helplessly.

 

CHRISTINA

Jesus Danny, and you say that I have a spending problem!

 

DANNY

You do! That’s why I didn’t tell you.

 

CHRISTINA

Tell me what?

 

DANNY

(defensively)

Before you get too mad about the car and the boat, I’d like to point out that I also paid off the mortgage and maxed out our retirement accounts too.

 

CHRISTINA

With what money?

DANNY

Remember the lottery the hospital ran last year?

 

CHRISTINA

You didn’t tell me? Because you thought I would spend everything?

 

DANNY

Christina, when I asked you what you’d do if we won you said you’d buy a villa in Greece, start your own boutique, get a new Cadillac every year, and take your line dancing friends on cruises three times a year. And the grand prize was only a million dollars!

 

CHRISTINA

Sorry for actually wanting to enjoy my life!

 

ELOISE

You helped Danny hide this from her Brian? And you lied to me too about that stupid boat.

 

BRIAN

I’m sorry Eloise. It started off with just storing the boat. Then Danny asked me to not say anything to Christina for a bit, and then not to say anything at all. It was stupid. I swear I’m not hiding anything else from you.

 

CHRISTINA

Oh really, nothing else Brian? So you didn’t drunkenly confess your love for Eloise to Danny one night?

 

BRIAN

(running his hand through his hair awkwardly)

Uh, well you see, the thing is…

 

ELOISE

(smiling)

Wait, did you really?

 

BRIAN makes a hapless gesture.

TYLER

You two are pathetic. At least someone on this stupid street is happy today.

 

TYLER goes into his house. DANNY and CHRISTINA start walking towards their house, arguing in hushed voices. Raised voices are heard from Tyler and Briella’s house. BRIAN and ELOISE start walking slowly back towards their houses talking quietly. In the end, they are both smiling and put their arms around each other.