Out of Sync - The Script

 

There are only two actors in this film. Jim and his wife, Helen. With the exception of the character of Jim's friend, Bob.

JIM (65) is driving his car home from a trip to a business conference. He has just come from the airport and is irritable and feeling a little sick. He turns on the car radio.

NEWS ANNOUNCER

...and further in the news, climate change is being blamed for the excessive temperatures fueling the two hundred fires currently burning across the Midwest. The American president announced today that he is going to bomb Kurdistan as soon as he can find it on a map. The doctor's strike continues in the middle of the latest monkey pox outbreak and the dollar is worthless as of today. Further in the...

JIM turns the radio off with a sigh and continues to drive.

Camera finds a piece of Jim's luggage with his name and address on it. Beside the luggage is a gift-wrapped box. It is labelled 'Helen... I missed you.'

CUT TO:

Jim's car approaches his house and he slows down as he realizes there is a car blocking the head of the driveway.The car is exactly the same make, model, year and colour of his own. He pulls slowly off to the side of the road and he stops there, staring at the other car.

JIM 

What the...

He rolls down his window to get a better look. He honks his horn but there is no response from inside the house. He starts to exit the vehicle but is stopped when another car pulls up beside his. The driver is, BOB (60), Jim's friend.Bob rolls down his window, Jim rolls down his passenger side window.

BOB 

Hey Chris, what's happening?

(spotting the other car)

Hey, did you buy another Volvo?

JIM

(thinking that Bob is goofing around and going along with the name joke)

Oh, hi, Frank. Very funny. Didn't know it was change your name day.

BOB 

What?

(when Jim doesn't answer)

You playing cards at Allen's this Saturday?

JIM

Cards? What, no snooker?

BOB

(laughs) 

Snooker, that'll be the day.

JIM

Well, whatever. Yeah I guess I'll be there. Eight o'clock?

BOB

No, the  usual time, nine. See you there...

As Jim is about to respond, Bob rolls up his window and drives off. Jim exits his car and strolls over to the other Volvo and peers in the window. The items in the car are exactly the same as his minus the suit case and the gift.He returns to his car and just as he enters it, a man emerges from the house and sits beneath the umbrella there with a drink and a newspaper. The other man doesn't notice Jim's Volvo as it is masked by the trees. The other man is Jim!

JIM

(gasps) 

Jesus Christ!

A shaken Jim takes out his cell phone and dials. A woman's voice answers.

HELEN V.O.

Hello? Jim?

JIM

Yeah hi Helen. I'm home. What's with the car? Who's there?

HELEN V.O.

There's nobody here.

JIM 

Did you buy a new Volvo?

HELEN V.O.

What? Of course not.

JIM 

Well, there's one in the driveway. And who's that on the porch?

HELEN V.O.

What are you talking about?

The door to the house opens and Jim's wife Helen emerges with a a drink and a gift-wrapped package identical to the one in Jim's car. She kisses the other Jim on the top of the head and sits down.

JIM 

What the hell?

(he looks back to the seat and sees his gift there)

HELEN V.O.

What's the matter? Jim?

Jim stares at his phone and quickly hangs up. A moment later it starts to ring again, it is Helen calling back. Jim hits the 'don't reply' button and stuffs it into his pocket. He grips the wheel. What is wrong with him? Is he sick? His knuckles whiten on the wheel. Just then, the other Jim's phone rings and he goes into the house to answer it.

Our Jim exits his car and walks slowly down the driveway. He can see the other Jim through the big picture window. The other Jim is talking on the phone. He then turns away and moves deeper into the house. Jim approaches the porch. He approaches Helen; Gloria in this reality.

JIM

(tentatively) 

Helen?

GLORIA

What? Who was on the phone? Why did you change your shirt?

JIM

What's going on here? Did you buy a new car?

GLORIA 

Of course not.

JIM

(pointing at the Volvo in the drive)

Then what's that?

GLORIA

That's your car. Stephen, are you feeling okay?

JIM

Yeah, funny, did everyone get together on this stupid name thing? Who's that guy?

GLORIA 

What guy?

JIM

What do you mean what guy? The one in the house on the phone that you were just kissing.

GLORIA 

You'd better get out of the sun.

JIM W

What kind of bullshit is this?

GLORIA

(starting to get annoyed)

I don't know what you're talking about, Stephen.

JIM

(angry now) 

Well, we'll see about that! And stop calling me Stephen!

Jim wheels about and strides off towards the back of the house. Gloria watches him go. She gets up and watches as he enters the rear door of the house.

CUT TO:

The house interior. Jim enters and sees the back of the other Jim (Stephen) as he closes his phone and leaves by the front door to rejoin his wife. Before he leaves, Jim gets a glimpse of the other Jim's face in a mirror. It is him all right. Jim collapses down on to a chair at the kitchen table. He takes out a handkerchief and wipes his brow.

He gets up and goes to the liquor cabinet and pours himself a stiff drink. As he watches, Stephen is having an animated conversation with Gloria, the other Helen. They are arguing and Gloria is pointing down the driveway. Jim takes out his phone and dials his wife again. She answers as Stephen heads down the driveway.

HELEN V.O.

So, what's going on, Jim?

JIM

I'm...not sure. I don't feel very well.

HELEN V.O.

Where are you?

JIM 

Downstairs. I think.

HELEN V.O.

What? Well, why don't you come up. I'm working on the computer.

JIM

(eyeing Gloria on the porch. Shaken)

You're upstairs?

HELEN V.O.

Yes.

JIM 

You're not on the porch?

HELEN V.O.

No. Jim, were you drinking a bit on the plane?

Finally, something to grasp on to.

JIM

No. No just a glass of wine. I must have jet lag or something. Or maybe it  was the food. I don't feel too good.

HELEN V.O.

Poor thing. Come up and lie down and I'll fix you    something to eat.

JIM 

Yeah... Yeah, okay.

Jim downs the rest of his drink and moves to the stair case. He sees Stephen as he spot the Volvo on the road and move towards it. He slowly climbs the stairs. At the top, he can see Tricia (another version of Helen) at the work table in the studio. She is working on a model of something. He  approaches her from behind, she turns and smiles at him.

TRICIA 

You're home darling!

JIM

I think so. Helen, I think I might be having some sort of breakdown or stroke or something.

TRICIA

(getting up and leading him to a chair)

You'd better sit down.

(he does so) 

How long have you felt like this?

JIM 

Since I got home.

TRICIA

(putting the back of her hand against his brow)

You're burning up! I'd better call the doctor.

JIM 

Yeah, maybe you're right, Helen.

Tricia pulls out a cell phone and dials.

TRICIA 

Oh, yes, can I speak with Dr. Brady, please, it's an emergency.

(she  waits)

JIM 

Who's Dr. Brady?

TRICIA

Oh, hello doctor. It's Tricia Harding. Listen, Simon is having a hard time since he got home.

Jim leaps to his feet and stares at Tricia.

TRICIA

Symptoms? Well, to begin with, he seems confused. He keeps calling me Helen.

CUT TO:

Close up of Jim's terrified face.

CUT TO:

Meanwhile, Stephen approaches Jim's Volvo and looks inside. He spots the gift.

STEPHEN 

Well now, that's weird.

He tries the car door and opens it. He sits down on the drivers seat and sits there looking around. There are several things that are the same as his car. A broken coffee holder, candy wrappers on the floor.Where could the driver be? He grabs the present and examines it. He reads the tag. He hears the screen door of the house bang and  looks out. A man comes out of the house and sits  down beside Gloria. It is him!

STEPHEN 

What the hell?

The same car as before pulls up beside him and rolls down its window. Stephen  does the same.

BOB 

Hey Jim, what's happening?

(spotting the other car)  

 Did you buy another Volvo?

STEPHEN 

I'm sorry... Do I know you?

BLACK OUT

SCRIPT (REVISED AGAIN)

 

FUN, FROLIC AND FRIENDS

INT. TOWN HALL OF ELDRIDGEVILLE, FEBRUARY 2025

The Eldridgeville Fair Board gathers in the town hall to review footage of the 2024 Eldridgeville Spring Fair. The six member board sits around the table watching clips of the previous fair hoping to put together a promotional video for the local cable TV station.

BOARD MEMBER #1 

(self appointed chair and spokesperson)

The group of six members is relaxed and visiting between selves when BOARD MEMBER #1 calls for attention.

We are hoping to get through all this footage tonight

so we will work through footage of the main events

of the past fair. We have drone footage of the parade 

and fairgrounds and the opening ceremony. We can 

take all or we can take clips for the promotional video.

Each clip will be watched, then paused and followed 

by discussion. We hope to keep the meeting to less

than a half hour.

Clip 1

THE PARADE

EXT. MAIN STREET OF ELDRIDGEVILLE, SATURDAY MORNING

The Eldridgeville Spring Fair Parade lines up along Main Street. The fair kicks off with the parade led by the mayor and Miss Eldridgeville Spring Fair Queen riding in a Mustang Convertible. Following the dignitaries, there are two small floats, three children leading their pets in festive wear and the semi-famous pig "Charlie". Residents line the street as the parade makes its way into the soccer field.

The Mayor sits close to Miss Eldridgeville Fair Queen on the back of the folded convertible roof. His legs are draped over the back of the back seat. The chauffeur slowly makes his way through the crowd of upwards of two hundred residents.

MAYOR BARRETT ALEXANDER

(in a voice to be heard above the crowd)

Hello! Hello all. Great day. Great to see you. Thanks for coming!

BARRETT ALEXANDER waves enthusiastically and reaches from the car seat to touch hands with the women who line the parade route. His looks and his smile have the female residents reaching to touch any part of the celebrity mayor.

BARBIE ARMSTRONG,  the 2024 Eldridgeville Fair Queen sits quite cozy beside the mayor on the folded convertible roof.  BARBIE is a voluptuous blonde beauty crowned by a committee including MAYOR ALEXANDER. Nobody witnessed the talent portion of the competition but everyone believes she must have unknown talents, otherwise she would not be Fair Queen. She wears a low cut well-fitted top with a red satin sash. White lettering says MISS ELDRIDGEVILLE FAIR QUEEN 2024. She sits close to the mayor and does the true queen wave to those along the parade route. The men along the parade route respond to her smiles, waves and air kisses. The women scowl.

EXT. INSIDE THE GATES OF THE SOCCER FIELD

As the small parade reaches the fairgrounds, the sounds of the midway are heard. Local newspaper reporters snap photos of the parade entries as well as photos of the mayor and fair queen. An overhead drone captures the activity of the soccer fields, the midway and fair goers. The drone flies over the parade and captures footage of the mayor and fair queen enjoying a moment of closeness. The mayor rests his hand on Barbie's thigh and gently caresses her leg. The parade stops once it is all inside the gate. The mayor takes Barbie's hand and helps her out of the car and over to the small outside stage.

EXT. ON SMALL MAN MADE STAGE PLATFORM

MAYOR ALEXANDER

Welcome one and all to the 2024 edition of the Eldridgeville Spring Fair.

We have a great program lined up for all of you to enjoy. I would like to

introduce our Fair Queen BARBIE ARMSTRONG. BARBIE is a 

beautiful ambassador for our fair and our community. She will be wandering

through the exhibits throughout the day. Be sure to stop and say hello.

There is a polite clapping response to the introduction of the fair queen. Muttering can be heard from the audience and random words such as cheat, fixed, unfair, rigged.

MAYOR ALEXANDER

Now I will ask Barbie to cut the ribbon and officially open

the 2024 Eldridgeville Spring Fair!

Barbie takes the scissors and cuts the ribbon to open the fair. There is mild applause from the audience.

BARBIE ARMSTRONG

It is a great honour to officially open Eldridgeville Spring Fair 2024.

Barrett has been so helpful to me,  ummm, I mean....Mayor Alexander has been

great to work with. He is so willing to help with my duties and escort 

me to all of the fair events and engagements. It has been a wonderful

experience for me and I hope this day will be wonderful for you too!

Remember the theme of the 2024 fair is FUN, FROLIC AND FRIENDS

so get out there and have fun!

Having completed her first public speech, she takes the mayors arm to step off the stage and wander through the exhibits.

(video is paused for discussion between board members)

FAIR BOARD MEMBER # 1 (woman member)

Oh dear. Do you think there is some funny

stuff going on between the mayor and the 

queen? I had heard talk but I thought it was

just the jealous women in the community. I 

don't think we can include this clip in the 

promotional video. It doesn't look good, does it?

Let's move on to the other clips before we 

decide whether to edit, scrap or keep.

Clip 2

THE READING

INT. SOCCER DOME, SATURDAY 11A.M.

MS. H. BEADY, a local children's author has prepared an area for the reading of her recently published book "Albert Einswine on the Run". Loosely based on Charlie, Eldridgeville's semi-famous run away pig, her new book is available for sale during the fair. MS. BEADY is very colourful, animated and enthusiastic. She sits in a rocking chair in front of twenty children's chairs and a rugged area so keen children can sit at her feet. Although no adults or children have stopped by for her reading, she begins her presentation.

MS. H BEADY

( in a cheerful, animated tone)

Good morning, everyone!!! I am so delighted to be part of the 

fair. Thank you so much for joining us. I know we are going to

have a great day. This morning, I am going to read my recently

published book "Albert Einswine on the Run!"  How many of

 you remember Charlie, our very own run away pig? He is actually

here today!  He was in the parade!

MS. BEADY  holds the book towards the absent audience so they can enjoy the illustrations. She recites by memory. As there was nobody present to answer her question about Charlie, she boldly continues with reading.

Once upon a time, Albert Einswine lived in a pigsty on Farmer

Dell's farm.

(she turns the page and smiles at the empty chairs before continuing)

Albert Einswine was a very smart pig and knew there was

life beyond the pigsty. One day........

MS. BEADY  continues through the pages, pausing appropriately to for all to see the illustrations. When she finishes reciting the story, she speaks off her cuff.

Thank you for being such a great audience. I hope you really

enjoyed "Albert Einswine on the Run". I sure enjoyed reading

to you. I have copies for purchase so you can share with your 

friends. $12 today or $15 tomorrow on Amazon.

MS. BEADY bows and smiles to the empty chairs and wanders off.

(video is again paused for discussion)

FAIR BOARD MEMBER #2

Did any of you hear Ms. Beady read her book during the 

fair? Or have you bought the book? It doesn't look like the

reading was very popular.  Almost embarrassing for her.

FAIR BOARD MEMBER #3

Is it possible to photoshop some children into the clip?

Or could we put stuffed animals on the chairs? Maybe we

edit the clip and just show the author and not show the 

absent audience. This isn't going to promote the fair much.

Clip 3

THE PIE EATING CONTEST

INT. SOCCER DOME, 1 P.M.

The annual pie eating contest begins at 1 p.m. A banquet table is set on a small stage with chairs for the audience in front of the stage. Behind the table, low budget sheets are hung in place of drapes. Five apple pies are set out on the table and the five contestants organize themselves behind the sheets. Two contestants, BERTHA BRUTMEIER and STERLING REED are not new to pie eating. The other three contestants were drawn in by the aroma of cinnamon and apples; they are rookies.

BERTHA BRUTMEIER

(from behind the curtains in a loud blustery voice and some choice language)

I don't even know why you guys are here...you don't

have a chance. No contest. Nine time champ I am and

four time runner up. Nobody beats Big Bertha. Why are

you back Sterling? That was pure luck last time, you won't

win again!

BERTHA continues muttering to herself or someone imagined in her mind. The words don't make sense but she continues babbling.

STERLING REED

(politely interacts with BERTHA  but in subdued tones)

Well, Bertha, you have conveniently  forgotten that it

wasn't just last year that you were runner up. That was 

the fourth time you were defeated by me. Today, I defend 

my title. I want my family to be proud of me.

BERTHA

Well, I'll tell you something you physically fit, diet conscious 

wimp. Pies have gluten and pies have sugar and you'll be

sick by your second bite and be disqualified!

The start of the contest is announced over the speaker system and the five contestants appear from behind the sheets. BERTHA enters first wearing her lucky purple and orange caftan that covers a lot of her immense 240-pound body. She makes her presence known to the crowd.  STERLING, the defending champion emerges looking better than ever and stands in second position behind the second pie. He smiles sweetly to three little blonde girls in the front row. The other three contestants are unknown to the crowd but rush to spots three, four and five with salivating mouths. The judge moves behind the contestants tying their hands behind their backs before seating himself at the judge's table.

From the sound system, the start of the race is announced with 

READY, SET, GO!

The five eager eaters tackle the pies. BERTHA face plants into her pie and eagerly begins to devour it. STERLING has a strategy he researched on YouTube videos. While he plants his face quickly, he turns his head from side to side as he would if he were swimming. He paces himself.

Both BERTHA and STERLING have cheering sections that can be heard over the noise of the fair. BERTHA, a part time bouncer at The Refined Rose Tavern has five husky men cheering her on. Each has a black t-shirt with a pink rose and 'The Refined Rose Tavern' stamped on it. STERLING has three blonde-haired preschool daughters, his wife and his in-laws cheering him on.

EXTRAS IN CROWD

(shouting from the little girls and the husky men at the same time)

Go, Daddy, Go!

Come on Sterling, don't let her win! Come on!

Tip the plate and eat it from the table.

FASTER!!!!!

Come on big Bertha, don't let that little wimp beat

you! You are not afraid of anyone! Go! Go!

Seventy two seconds later, the crowd erupts, (mainly the five husky men in the Refined Rose Tavern tshirts) and BERTHA  raises her arms as though she has won a wrestling match. 

STERLING, a little downtrodden, tips his head down in disappointment and notices a lot of apple pie on the floor beneath BERTHA'S spot. As BERTHA is being presented with the winners trophy, (which resembles Charlie the pig) STERLING moves from the table towards the judge.

STERLING

I wonder if you could come to the stage and have

a look under the table where BERTHA stood. I 

believe she didn't eat all that pie in record time.

The judge looks at the floor as do the other competitors. There is a look of disbelief on all faces including BERTHA. The judge walks over and pats STERLING  on the back.

( From the speaker, an announcement is made)

The winner of the pie eating competition 2024

 is STERLING REED....five time champion.

BERTHA BRUTMEIER, you are disqualified!

Cheering erupts from the front row of little girls as the Charlie Pig Trophy is taken from BERTHA and presented to STERLING.

EXTRAS

(two groups speaking at the same time)

Daddy, daddy, you did it! We are so proud of you!

Love you daddy!

Come on, BERTHA, let's head over to The 

Refined Rose for a beer.

BERTHA and her supporters leave the soccer dome and fairgrounds.

(video paused as fair board members laugh)

FAIR BOARD MEMBER #4

Now, that I did watch last year. That Bertha was

something else. So crude and rude. Surely there 

must be better contestants out there. I wonder if

she was actually ever a champion or if she played

the same trick all nine years? This video is proof 

she should be disqualified from all future contests.

FAIR BOARD MEMBER #5

I don't know but I think she is a drawing card to

the pie eating contest. She is a true Eldridgeville

character. My suggestion though would be to get

a new trophy for the winner. Somehow a fat pig

statue is insulting. I know Charlie is a celebrity in

his own right but a ribbon would be a better prize

than a fat pig statue. I think we could cut out the

controversial bits but keep the best bits. The pie

eating contest draws people from all over the area.

What other footage do we have?

Clip 4

THE FIREWORKS

EXT. NIGHT TIME AT THE END OF THE FAIR DAY

The successful day wraps up with fireworks in the soccer field. Some residents have lawn chairs in little groups to visit with neighbours and friends. Some residents stand in groups as dark enfolds the community. The mayor and Miss Eldridgeville Fair Queen sit on lawn chairs on the small outdoor stage to watch the fireworks.

MAYOR ALEXANDER

Thank you all for coming to our FUN, FROLIC AND FRIENDS

themed fair. It has been a spectacular day of community 

participation and catching up with old friends, making new

friends and making memories. Now we have a spectacular

conclusion to the day with fireworks sponsored by the 

Men's Bench. It will be an evening you won't forget!

Now enjoy the fireworks!

The sky brightens with elaborate fireworks; palms, diadems, willows and rockets light up the sky as the crowd looks heavenward. Children and adults alike sparkle against the dark night background. Eyes and faces glow with each lit firecracker. Cameras capture the look of wonderment and fall on something glittering near the stage. The camera zooms in on Mrs. Barrett Alexander holding a gun pointed towards the stage where BARRETT and BARBIE smile as they watch the conclusion of Eldridgeville Spring Fair.

(video is paused)

FAIR BOARD MEMBER #6

Does anyone know if Mrs. Alexander's 

case has come up yet? Will she get credit for time

served? She didn't actually fire the gun. Not murder.

At least in jail, she has a place to live. I am sure she 

won't be living with the mayor when she gets out!

FAIR BOARD MEMBER #1

Is anyone good with posters? We  don't have much

to make a promotional video, do we?

Epilogue

After reviewing camera, cell phone and drone footage of the 2024 fair, the fair board decided that posters will be stapled to hydro poles promoting the 2025 fair. To air the promotional video would be too embarrassing for Eldridgeville.

Notes:

This work is real life events in the fictional town of Eldridgeville. Names have been changed to protect the identity of the characters.

Script

SIX ANGRY NEIGHBOURS

EXT. BRIAN’S FRONT PORCH – A LATE AFTERNOON IN SEPTEMBER

BRIAN, a nondescript middle-aged man with grey hair, sits with ELOISE, a plain young woman, on simple lawn chairs on an otherwise empty porch.

 

BRIAN

That’s all very interesting Eloise, but I’ve got to get to Danny’s place or I’ll miss kickoff.

 

ELOISE

(teasingly as she stands up and stretches)

That’s all you have to say? You know, you’ll be able to see my gardens from your front door, so if you have opinions about my plans, speak now or forever hold your peace!

 

BRIAN and ELOISE put on their shoes, walk outside, and start down the sidewalk together.

 

BRIAN

Louey, nothing could be worse than this summer when you decorated the front of your house with a wasp nest.

 

ELOISE

It was still more decorations than you have in your whole house. And they liked you, they only ever stung me.

 

The next house had a junky front yard. TYLER, a scrawny young redneck, comes out.

 

TYLER

Hey Brian! Hiya Eloise!

 

BRIAN and ELOISE stop on the sidewalk.

 

BRIAN

Hi Tyler. How are you doing? How’s Briella?

 

TYLER

Yeah, sure, good. Briella? She’s out with her friend Katelyn or Carly or Catherine.  One of those anyway. Listen, could I grab you for a minute Brian? I’m trying to fix the sump pump before Briella gets home and I just need an extra set of hands.

 

BRIAN

(checks watch)

I’d love to help Tyler, but Danny’s expecting me…you know what, Eloise isn’t doing anything important, she can help.

 

ELOISE

(rolling her eyes)

Sure Brian, you have fun with Danny. Tyler and I will get the work done.

 

TYLER

(uncertainly)

Uh, yeah, sure, Eloise will do.

 

 

INT. TYLER’S HOUSE – LATER ON

 

ELOISE and TYLER come up Tyler’s basement stairs. His house is nicely finished but messy.

 

TYLER

(condescendingly)

So you see Eloise, that’s how a sump pump works.

 

ELOISE

(dryly)

Right, thanks. I have one in my house too, you know.

 

TYLER

Of course you do. Hey, I have a few things that got left in the washing machine when you used it last week.

 

TYLER grabs a bag from the counter and tosses it to ELOISE.

  

ELOISE

(looks in the bag)

Aha, there’s my underwear. Thanks Tyler, I got the thingy fixed. I would have asked Brian to use his, but he was out of town for work.

 

TYLER

I’m surprised you don’t have a key for his house.

 

ELOISE

(shrugs)

Why would I, we’re just neighbours, right? Anyway, I’ll head out the back, I need to do some watering.

 

ELOISE goes out the back door and walks across the lawn towards her house. BRIELLA, an attractive and fashionably dressed young woman, comes around the side of the house and watches Eloise leaving suspiciously, while Eloise is oblivious.

 

 

INT. DANNY’S LIVING ROOM – LATER ON

 

BRIAN and DANNY, a working class middle-aged man, are drinking beers on the couch with a football game on the TV. The room has older furniture, family pictures, an array of knick knacks.

 

BRIAN

Taking the boat out this weekend?

 

DANNY

Nah, Christina’s home all weekend. So probably just going to yard sales and telling Christina we can’t afford any more goddam knickknacks.

 

DANNY winks at BRIAN.

 

BRIAN

Good for you, just don’t bring any more stuff to my house, alright?

 

The front door slams, DANNY shushes BRIAN. CHRISTINA, a middle-aged woman with dyed blonde hair and full makeup, enters looking glum.

DANNY

Hey honey, how was line dancing?

 

CHRISTINA

Oh, fine. Went out with the girls to the mall afterwards.

(Wistfully)

They had the nicest dresses at Marlene’s.

(Glumly toying with her scarf)

I got this scarf, it was fifty percent off.

 

DANNY

Wow, another new scarf Christina?  That’s pretty nice.

 

BRIAN gives DANNY a dirty look. Danny watches as CHRISTINA shuffles towards a door leading off the hall, hiding a bag behind her back.

CHRISTINA

Anyway –

 

DANNY

(interrupting)

What’s in the bag?

 

CHRISTINA

(guiltily)

Oh, this? Just a few things I picked up for the house. Anyway, I’m off for a bath. Enjoy your Buffalo Billies’ game.

 

CHRISTINA leaves quickly. BRIAN watches DANNY while Danny stares intently at the TV.

 

BRIAN

Are you ever going to - ?

 

DANNY

(interrupting)

No.

 

 

EXT. A SUBURBAN STREET NEAR BRIAN AND ELOISE’S HOUSES – THE NEXT DAY

 

BRIAN and ELOISE are walking along the sidewalk in conversation.

 

ELOISE

So the Bills lost a game already, eh?

 

BRIAN

It was terrible. Danny almost cried. How was Tyler’s sump pump?

 

ELOISE

(sarcastically)

Oh, you mean plumbing expert Tyler Biderman? Would you like a detailed explanation of sump pump mechanics? Because I can give it to you now.

 

BRIAN laughs and puts an arm around ELOISE’S shoulders.

 

BRIAN

Poor Eloise. And to think, I left you behind to watch the Bills lose.

 

ELOISE

Since I dealt with Tyler, the next time Briella wants an opinion on her lash extensions or booty shorts I’ll call you.

 

BRIAN pulls away from ELOISE in horror.

 

BRIAN

Oh god no. I’d rather advise you on your gardens.

 

BRIAN and ELOISE approach Tyler’s house, where TYLER, BRIELLA, DANNY, and CHRISTINA are all standing on Tyler’s front lawn in adversarial poses.

 

BRIAN

What’s going on here?

 

CHRISTINA

(irritated)

Haven’t you HEARD?

 

BRIAN looks at DANNY for an explanation.

 

TYLER

Goddam Christina, you’re such drama queen. Think you’re still in high school or something? Grow up and get out of other people’s business.

 

BRIAN

Right, but what’s going on?

 

DANNY

We asked Tyler nicely to stop using power tools in his backyard in the middle of the night, but apparently he’s too special to accommodate others –

 

BRIELLA

(interrupting)

Hey, you can’t call him special! I know what that really means!

 

CHRISTINA

Oh, you do?  Congratulations, that’s one more word than I thought you knew!

 

BRIAN

(diplomatically)

Okay, can everyone just calm down?  Listen Tyler, your woodworking or metallurgy or deep-sea welding or whatever the hell it is you’re doing is annoying, can you finish by ten or something?

 

TYLER

Yeah Brian, like you’d know anything about doing real work, MANLY work. No wonder you’re…however the hell old you are and still haven’t managed to get yourself a wife.

 

CHRISTINA

Nah, we all know the real reason Brian hasn’t married is –

 

BRIAN

(interrupting frantically)

Shut up, Christina!

 

ELOISE

(taken aback)

Brian!

 

BRIAN

‘Cause you’re so manly, Tyler, you get Eloise to come over and –

 

TYLER

(interrupting in a panic)

Shut up, Brian!

 

BRIELLA

(tragically)

Oh, don’t worry, I know all about what you and Eloise were doing!

 

TYLER

(aghast)

You do?

 

DANNY

(impatiently)

Listen, I don’t want to know what Tyler and Eloise were doing and I’m also not interested in Brian’s love life. What I want is some peace and quiet in this neighbourhood for once.

 

BRIELLA

Oh, because you don’t disrupt the peace when you drive up and down the street in your stupid sports car?

 

DANNY

I…don’t…you’re probably thinking of Christina’s Escalade…

 

CHRISTINA

Danny doesn’t have a sports car, what are you on about, girl?

 

BRIELLA

So I guess my husband isn’t the only one cheating.

 

 

DANNY AND TYLER

WHAT?

 

ELOISE

Wait, do you seriously think Tyler’s cheating on you with me?

 

DANNY

Yeah, no offence Eloise, but it does sound pretty hard to believe.

 

BRIAN

(offended)

Excuse me? You think Briella is better than Eloise? What’s the matter with you, Danny?

 

ELOISE

It doesn’t matter Brian, I don’t care.

 

BRIELLA

Quite frankly, I know I’m better. I can certainly do a lot better than Tyler and Brian.

 

ELOISE

Better than who?

 

TYLER

What do you mean better than me?  Briella, what the hell is going on?

 

CHRISTINA

Nothing that’s going to make this street quieter, that’s for sure.

 

BRIELLA

Fine Tyler, if you really want to have it our here in front of everyone, then let’s do it. I saw you and Eloise sneaking around, I found her clothes, I know what’s going on. And let me tell you, you’re not the only one who can sneak around. I didn’t want to, but after what I’d seen yesterday I went to Julian’s last night.

  

TYLER

(exasperated)

I don’t know who the hell Julian is.

 

BRIELLA

I dated Julian for three years! You never even listen to me! But at least I have better options. You know Julian has a real job, and a house he didn’t need his daddy’s money to buy.

 

TYLER

If his house is so good, then you and your twenty-seven pairs of shoes can go live in it!

 

BRIELLA

(tearfully)

Maybe if you had have complimented my shoes just once I wouldn’t have had to buy twenty-seven.

 

BRIELLA runs into her house. TYLER starts to follow.

 

DANNY

Hey man, we’re not finished here.

 

TYLER stops and turns back.

 

TYLER

(incredulously)

Are you kidding me? After all of that?

 

CHRISTINA

I’m sorry about Briella, but don’t worry, we know you weren’t cheating with Eloise. After all, Eloise is in love with –

 

ELOISE

Hey! Can we focus on the issue at hand here? Whatever it was?

 

CHRISTINA

I’d just like to point out that twenty-seven shoes really aren’t that much, when you consider four different seasons, different occasions…

DANNY

You don’t need more shoes, Christina!

 

TYLER

Says the guy with a boat.

 

CHRISTINA

Sports car? Boat? I thought you went out on Brian’s boat.

 

BRIAN

I don’t have a boat.

 

ELOISE

Why is there a boat in your garage then?

 

BRIAN

It’s, uh, a friend’s boat.

 

TYLER

(laughing)

Is the friend named Danny?

 

BRIAN looks at DANNY helplessly.

 

CHRISTINA

Jesus Danny, and you say that I have a spending problem!

 

DANNY

You do! That’s why I didn’t tell you.

 

CHRISTINA

Tell me what?

 

DANNY

(defensively)

Before you get too mad about the car and the boat, I’d like to point out that I also paid off the mortgage and maxed out our retirement accounts too.

 

CHRISTINA

With what money?

DANNY

Remember the lottery the hospital ran last year?

 

CHRISTINA

You didn’t tell me? Because you thought I would spend everything?

 

DANNY

Christina, when I asked you what you’d do if we won you said you’d buy a villa in Greece, start your own boutique, get a new Cadillac every year, and take your line dancing friends on cruises three times a year. And the grand prize was only a million dollars!

 

CHRISTINA

Sorry for actually wanting to enjoy my life!

 

ELOISE

You helped Danny hide this from her Brian? And you lied to me too about that stupid boat.

 

BRIAN

I’m sorry Eloise. It started off with just storing the boat. Then Danny asked me to not say anything to Christina for a bit, and then not to say anything at all. It was stupid. I swear I’m not hiding anything else from you.

 

CHRISTINA

Oh really, nothing else Brian? So you didn’t drunkenly confess your love for Eloise to Danny one night?

 

BRIAN

(running his hand through his hair awkwardly)

Uh, well you see, the thing is…

 

ELOISE

(smiling)

Wait, did you really?

 

BRIAN makes a hapless gesture.

TYLER

You two are pathetic. At least someone on this stupid street is happy today.

 

TYLER goes into his house. DANNY and CHRISTINA start walking towards their house, arguing in hushed voices. Raised voices are heard from Tyler and Briella’s house. BRIAN and ELOISE start walking slowly back towards their houses talking quietly. In the end, they are both smiling and put their arms around each other.