She lost her heart with one look
From a guy who was clearly a crook.
From a guy who was clearly a crook.
She married him in spite,
Became a criminal that night,
Now she feels like a miserable schnook.
Became a criminal that night,
Now she feels like a miserable schnook.
The husband who called himself Rick,
Said, “I’ll run into the bank really quick.”
She drove the getaway car,
But they didn’t get far,
‘Cause she never had driven a stick.
But they didn’t get far,
‘Cause she never had driven a stick.
Her arrest came the very next day,
In the cabin they shared by the bay.
Now she’s sitting in jail,
With no money for bail,
With no money for bail,
While sneaky Rick’s gotten away!
What a dirty rat! Mind a suggestion? The first line would probably scan better as 'She lost her heart with just one look'.
ReplyDeleteFunny I had originally written it that way. I think it depends where the emphasis is placed. I read it as "She LOST her heart with one LOOK/ from a guy who was clearly a CROOK". With the word just I would read it as "She lost her heart with JUST one look/from a guy who was CLEARLY a crook". I think rhythm and emphasis are key in writing poetry but if the reader doesn't know the intent it can sound off. Thanks so much for the suggestion, . Compliments are nice but constructive feedback is how we grow. I think it's important for the group to question, suggest and explain. I don't mind at all.
ReplyDeleteI am glad for both comments on this because it is something I have a hard time with. Reading it one way or reading the other way and where the emphasis goes. Sometimes it reads one way and yet the next time it is off. I keep wanting to change things depending on where the emphasis is put. Thank you both!
ReplyDeleteI agree with you Barbara. When I read it it felt just right. I can see why Adrian suggested the change. It is logical but to me the scansion read well just as it is.
ReplyDelete