The Roseneath Post

 Hi everyone. I hope you have survived the storm. We are still without power but I found a work around to post.

 A couple of weeks ago I sent an email talking about the possibility of creating a fictional Newspaper about a town/township. In a burst of creativity I have written some articles.

The Roseneath Post

Your Local News Source

Mysterious Post Holes Appear 

September 1 2022

Over the past few days mysterious post holes have popped up in the middle of roads throughout the township. The holes are uniformly 3 feet deep and 8 inches wide. Please be aware of them when you are walking or riding. Please steer your dogs away from them so they don’t fall into the hole. The Township offices were engaged for a comment. Susie Q Parker, Town Clerk, is mystified. “These holes have been brought to our attention. We have called the police and they are investigating. It’s costing the township thousands of dollars in our efforts to fix them. We will file charges to recover costs once we discover who is perpetrating this deed. Please call the tip hotline 888 920-1340 if you have any information.

Cedar Posts: The Mysterious Post Hole Mystery Continues

September 8 2022

Mysterious post hole story from last week has a new twist this week. It seems the post holes are now being filled with cedar posts rising about four feet from the ground. Rusty Post, no relation, was driving his Ford pickup one morning last week when he slammed into one. “T was the damnedest thing I have ever seen. A fence post in the middle of the road.“ It has been rumoured that the township has inserted the posts in the road to ensure that drivers stay on their own side of the road while driving, a claim that Suzue Q Parker, vehemently denies. “That is insane," she is quoted as saying, "People can drive on whichever side of the road that pleases them.” This statement led some township folks to comment on her decidedly English accent.

Mysterious Posts: A New Bird Farm?

September 15 2022

In the latest twist in the post holes in the middle of the road saga, an unknown individual has now affixed birdhouses to the cedar posts that keep popping up all over the township roads. One resident applauded the move saying that the birds all need somewhere to live. “There is enough homelessness in our township without leaving the animals to fend for themselves.” Suzie Q Parker, the Township Clerk commented. “We are not against bird houses per se but we really want to stop whoever is putting the posts in the middle of the road. We encourage all residents to report any sightings of holes to our hotline.” When asked if there have been tips the Clerk grew tight lipped and stalked away.

Mysterious Posts: A Refreshing Paint Job

September 22 2022

The post hole in the middle of the road saga took another mysterious turn this week. Prior to now it had been random post holes with posts and then birdhouses affixed to the posts in the middle of the road. Now it seems that someone has painted all the posts in rainbow colours. In a recent survey township residents commented, “I think the rainbow colors are better than just the regular color of posts. At least you can see them from a distance. It brightens up the countryside.“

Township Clerk Suzie Q Parker was incensed at the support the residents are giving to the post holes. “As fast as we take them out they are replaced and then more are added. It is like there is a conspiracy to defund the township. This is insane. It has to stop or taxes will be going up.” A local pundit opined “Suzie Q Parker is doing this to keep her job.”

Mysterious Posts Now Light Up The Night.

September 29 2022

In another twist to the post hole saga it has been discovered that many of the posts now have solar lights attached to them. “I like it ,” said a local. “They provide guidance on my drive home from the legion.“ A rumour was started by a resident that the township was putting pinwheel energy generators on the posts. The wind from the passing cars would lower the energy bills of all residents.

When asked about this latest development Township Clerk Suzie Q Parker stammered “Someone has too much time on their hands,” A follow up question about the pinwheel energy generators had her saying, “Are you serious,” before she stalked away in a huff. “I’ve got better things to do than comment on post holes and pinwheel energy generators.“

Mysterious Posts: Scab at work

October 6 2022

Early this morning Township Clerk Suzie Q Parker was spotted by a local resident ripping the starter on her chainsaw, upping the battle concerning the placement of posts in the middle of the road. “Enough is enough,” she is quoted as saying as she ripped into the first of many posts that line our Township roads.”Someone has to do something about it and it might as well be me,” she reflected. Her comments inflamed the newly formed local Union Of Public Employees. “We are pleased that her comments have caused the union to form but we will be filing a grievance against Ms Parker as she is using scab labour to complete township work.”

Ms. Parker’s terse response was no comment as she loaded the post into the back of her pick up truck. A further no comment was received when she was asked about what she was going to do with the sawed off posts. Shorty Post opined that maybe she was reusing them and we should watch township roads for further evidence.

Mysterious Posts: Road Repairs

October 13 2022

In the latest development the Township clerk Suzie Q Parker resigned this morning citing fatigue and an underwhelming amount of support for her trying to discover who was putting the posts in the middle of the road. “I don’t have time for this nonsense," she snapped as she towed her fully loaded log hauler behind her truck out of the civic center parking lot. Ms Parker's whereabouts are unknown at this time.

In other news road repairs are at an all time high. Township residents are pleased with this development. “I think we have some of the best roads in the county replied Eileen Post. “Those posts have really inspired us to make everything around them look A one.”

As a side note the township’s new clerk, Agatha Butterbottom, has posted a document requesting that residents sign up for a mile of road responsibility. Residents laughed saying they were already improving in front of their property. Why would they take on someone elses responsibility?

A New Angle In The Mysterious Posts Saga

December 3 2022

In a new development it has been discovered after the latest snowstorm that township roads are clear of snow. When asked, Public works said they are stumped. “We sent our plows and sanders out. Within minutes reports were coming back that there was no snow to be plowed or roads to be sanded. It appeared to be disappearing as quickly as it fell.” Indeed another mystery about our township roads has caused residents to be joyful. “Now it would be helpful if the township extended this pleasure to its residents. But for now I am thankful that I don't have to plow out the end of my driveway every time a plow passes by.” said Hilda Post as she swept the snow from her front porch. When asked for comment the township had no idea why this was occurring. This simple response led some residents to speculate that the pin wheel energy generators were powering electrical lines that ran under the roads.

Township Office Closed

June 2 2023

In a recent development the Provincial Government closed the Township Office today. The Premier reflected that the township residents were doing such a fine job of looking after the infrastructure that the township no longer needed to exist. “Now that is true grassroots involvement in the township.” he opined. When asked more directly why he was doing this he said it was a cost cutting measure and stated that he was proud of the residents for taking on this responsibility. At the backyard barbecue event he chugged his buck a beer to show his support of their hard work.

In other news front yard libraries have been popping up all over the township. Residents are perplexed about when it occurred but are throwing their weight behind it. Ima Story, a long time resident, reflected this sentiment. “We need more reading in our township.” The Library CEO was asked about this new initiative. “I wish I had thought of it,” she lamented. “I think it is a great thing if people read more. Hopefully they won’t forget that we are here for them.”

The Post is wondering if there are other initiatives that are popping up. Let us know what you have seen.