The Eldridgeville Gazette

 

Come and Meet

THE CITIZENS OF ELDRIDGEVILLE

THIS MONTH’S PROFILE

SAY HELLO TO SEXY NEWCOMER, SAM TOAD

by Mayor Richard Weiner

Many people living in Eldridgeville come from big cities originally and, finding a place where they fit in, decide to stay. And they are welcome!

Except for that guy Sam Toad and his really loud girlfriend. Man, they could have stayed back where they came from. I mean really, who brings their own chairs to a party? What, they think we don’t have chairs? Like we're some bunch of rural hicks who haven’t discovered how to sit down yet? And when somebody says 8pm it means 8pm, not like 10 pm! That may be fashionable in the big city where everyone is so frigging hip and everything but here we have to get up to go to work, okay? And then there’s Sam’s girlfriend. I can’t remember her name. I think it was Edna or Ella or something, Anyway she wanders in and wakes up the kids! And drools all over them and slops her drink on the carpet! I mean, she was obviously pissed when they showed up. Probably always pissed from the look of them…

Other recent arrivals to Eldridgeville may have come along the beautiful number 5 highway from Ottawa. Ottawa is not much further than Toronto, so the drive is not so bad!

Unless you're in Sam's goddam car. So, he announces to everyone, okay I’m going home now, and we're like. no way, Sam, you’re too drunk. But I guess he knows best, so Mick and Stacy decide to go with him and try to get the keys away from him, but he starts yelling and Mick and him are ready to go until Stacy snatches the keys out of his hand and throws them in our pond. Which is fine except Ella wades in to look for them and starts stepping on little Petey’s turtles which start floating up to the surface. Then Ella starts crying and falls over and we have to haul her out before she drowns! And get this, she’s wearing a wig that falls off and gets caught in the pond filter!

From the west, along Hwy. 26, perhaps you have driven from a Western province, Manitoba maybe. If there’s one thing we know about in Eldridgeville, it’s how to show a good time to our western neighbours. After all, we’re nearly westerners ourselves. And nothing spells a good time like beef straight off the barbecue!

Except when you eat half the frigging burgers yourself and leave onion and relish over everything in sight! We thought we made it plain on the invitation, you're supposed to bring your own steaks. The burgers were just for the kids, all right? As it was there weren’t enough to go around, and Myrna had to go to the store to get some hotdogs because the burgers were sold out on account of the long weekend. And they didn’t have any buns, so she crosses the street to go to the Foodland and gets hit by a bus! So, I drive her over to Mercy General Hospital and she gets operated on by Eldridgeville surgeon, Dr. Matt Cutter (who actually delivered little Petey) and now I hear they’re getting married.  What a night.

Well, the point is no matter where you're from, you're welcome here. Mostly.

(Editor’s note: We asked the Mayor to write a few words about Sam because nobody knows him, and he refused to be interviewed for this article.)